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Miller vortex bottle

Turning and turning in the widening gyre...

Swillers of Miller Lite might have noticed in recent months that their brew of choice has introduced a bit of a twist. Wring off the cap and behold, the “vortex.” Launched last March, the so-called Miller Vortex is a lite beer contained in a bottle ridged with interior grooves within its neck that allegedly “create a vortex as you’re pouring the beer,” as one Miller rep explained.

Now, technically speaking, a vortex is a spiraling mass of liquid, which suggests that the beer itself, when poured, is actually the “vortex” and the gimmicky bottle is merely its facilitator. What’s the point of vortexing (is that even a verb?) one’s beer? To “create buzz and excitement and give consumers another reason to choose Miller,” said rep told BrandWeek.

But, what does it impart upon the beer? Nothing. Theoretically, however, it might speed up one’s ability to chug the beer, which could be Miller’s ulterior motivation to expedite further sales to binge drinkers (read: frat dudes) or bypass one’s taste buds. Formal time trials have not been conducted. Nor would they be taken seriously anyway seeing as the screwy bottle has been the subject of mass derision online, including the humorous jibe that the bottle looks like it’s “ribbed for his pleasure.”

Instead of “vortex” the beer marketers should have concentrated on Gore-Tex, the “durably waterproof” textile with “breathable comfort” guaranteed to keep you dry. That way, one need no longer fret about spilling Miller on oneself in fit of faux physics.

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